I must say there is nothing painful than to have loved and lost. I just wish I never let my emotions or feelings wander unattended. Yesterday was one of those days I wished I had stayed a child, young and unassuming then I would have been safe from the claws of this thing called love. He was my love and I took him back with the hope of growing old together. It was the first time in my life praying for someone I call my partner and lover. I prayed earnestly for us to survive the challenges that relationships often faced. For the first time I allowed myself to see into the future and that involved children and building a future with this handsome man. I let my guard down, bit by bit and allowing myself to fall in love. He said the right things and this was the man I wanted to love; this man I loved so much. I should have known that this was all a dream now this pain that I have to deal with is just too much just because I let myself love a dishonest and a cheating man. I should admit that he has certainly changed the way I’ll view love, forever. And you know what they say about trust and mine has been broken. I was willing to go all the way. My focus from now on is to heal this heart that has been shredded into pieces and just pray to the Lord that there will be someone who will love and be willing to go all the way with me.
You found me… I had hidden myself, running breathlessly to hide from you. You have this tendency of rocking up unannounced, creeping in only to show yourself when least expected. I was fine being the ice queen, avoiding you at all costs. I met lust along the way who said we can be best friends. Yes, lust seemed to control me way too much. I decided that I’ll drop lust and be friendless but my hiding place was not safe. You broke in, crept in and now I am finding myself full of thoughts of him, wanting him to be more than friends.
I don’t know why am playin’ Cupid for my ex. It’s painful but now I know after tonight’s revelations maybe we never loved each other. Maybe it was just that thing that you meet people briefly and others for a lifetime. Even though it hurts you try to pretend that you’re cool with that. You act so nonchalantly and yet the pain is cutting through your soul like a sharp dagger. You want to keep him close but yet far. Your soul is crying, longing for him…wanting him to love you more than he loves the other..Broken hearts , broken dreams equals to the story of my life. Although this hurts I just can’t bring myself to cry, I just can’t I have waisted my tears before not now. I will not wallow in this misery although I just wanna pull up these blankets and cry myself to sleep…
It’s is my tea time, I’m at my workstation busy thinking of my ex. And before you get excited and think that I want to be back in his arms…, er, hold your horses because I am not going back there. My time with him is history and I would like it to stay that way. But I am sure you are wondering why do I even pollute my mind thinking of this man. Well, yesterday he decides to send me an email asking how have I been, “anything new” in my life? Let me tell you that he is well aware that I don’t want anything to do with him and right at the end of the email he says “I know that I am probably the last person that you’d chat with but I just wanted to say hi”. Me being me I indulge this man, telling him that there is nothing wrong with checking up on people, I add that I’m not one to hold grudges. So now after responding to this email it seems as if I have given him the platform to express himself.
“…. so what’s new in your life?”
“Same old me, nothing new. You?” I reply.
“What’s new is that I have bought a car.”
I rolled my eyes at this, confused as to why am I being told this. I mean the conversation was just so thin and the direction it took didn’t allow for that kind of statement. So this man wanted to brag, he wasn’t really checking on my wellbeing. I’m not jealous just irritated. I’m not thinking of him because I want him back, I am simply thinking how selfish he is. I know this because I emailed back. “Nice…Congratulations then.” My response to his email. do you know that he didn’t send any email after that, this means he just wanted to brag.
I wish ex’s would just stay away, far away.
“Let’s take it slow. Let’s not rush things, let them just fall into place.” How I hate those words, with passion. What should we do? We might as well let things be on a standstill ‘cos we just met. We are supposed to be soo inlove that everything else disappears. Oh, I forget, love does not exist so chances of me getting wooed are nil.
Do you know what pisses me off, it is the fact that these men come into your life just when you have told yourself that you are done with them. They turn your world upside down and when you are starting to open up, letting them in, they tell you to take things slow. By nature I am not bossy nor a control freak but I am one of those who prefer truth more than anything else. I dont see why you should lie when you know exactly how you feel or what you want from me. I see lies as some way of prolonging suffering emotionally.
Frankly, I hate not being in control of my feelings and it is bound to happen when you meet that one person. It is frustrating and leaves me helpless. I am scared of love and being loved, there I said it. I am scared because this person somehow has control over you. Let me tell you that I meet a guy, we tend to be fine for a week or two I want to know what the hell are we doing. Are we just f*cking or are we heading somewhere. This is when these words, “…let’s take things slow…” come in and I never understand. Why cant it be, let’s give this a chance, if it does not work out we leave it. Man, that is why I have never settled in any serious relationship because most of the times men do not know what they want. You, as a woman, you have to decide for this ninja, starting from when he was a baby until he is a full grown-ass man who can’t decide on what to wear.
Right now, I am pissed off because he replied to my text of, ” I am fighting my feelings here, I don’t want to be the only one falling for you only to be ditched.”, with “Let’s take it slow. Let’s not rush things, let them just fall into place.”
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To you who gave birth to me. The one who taught me lessons of life, the one who went through labour pains just so I could see the rays of sunlight. To the woman who is my mother who carried and still carries all my burdens, to this woman who taught me how to love and how to share my love. To the woman who through good and bad times has been my rock teaching me that nothing is impossible if we ask in the name of Jesus Christ. I’m forever grateful to you MaMncotshe, Ndala. To my mother who gave me strength when I felt I could not go on. I call myself fortunate for having your blood running through my veins. I am proud to call you my mother for you have been a mother to me you gave me education, fed me and put clothes on my bare skin wandenza umntu phakathi kwabantu. To this woman that I call my mother I give all my love. Then I pray to my God, Jehovah to bless you abundantly, that Mama should never want for anything as long as esengumkhonzi wakho Somandla.
When all else was failing around me you have been my beam of hope,my rock – solid and unshaken. Ndiyabulela.
I hope I will not be judged harshly for today’s blog. I just have my reservations when it comes to men which I do not mind penning down. You can quote me on this. Yes, I believe that a man should be a provider, but what about when he is not your man? Should we make these men pay because they are sleeping with us? I mean, no one is forcing you to open your cookie jar. Both of you want to have fun, anditsho? So now this thing of expecting imali yomqamelo after makes me feel so uneasy. Like I am a prostitute. Then if he does not give you money, you go around labeling him all sorts of names. Am I missing something here? I am still yet to learn.
But I must be honest in saying that when it is my man (one day) I’d expect that he supports me all the way as I would be supporting him as well. Please don’t get me wrong I am not saying he must give me all his salary. But if I am lacking somewhere he must be able to provide this and not tell me that he does not have. I lose all the respect for these kind of men and my faith in them deteriorates terribly. I think one of the things men should do for their women is to provide for them. Ladies, I am not saying we must abuse this fact but we must appreciate it. If he has been providing for you before life happened, pick the man up, umvuthulule then ayofuna umsebenzi. Do not just leave him there okanye uyothetha izinto ngaye behind his back. Well, that is if you still want him in your life.
Even in those moments, my pride stops me. One time I put that pride aside and guess what. I asked (he was my boyfriend at that time) and he did not have. That has put me off forever, from expecting any man to do things for me. Ndizakuwa ndivuka ndedwa unless that wouldn’t involve me alone.
You know, the thing i hate about lying is that the lie usually catches up with you. Thing is, once it does there is no way that you can escape. I think this is me now. For quite some time, I have told myself that I don’t need no boyfriend/partner. Guess what, maybe I do.
Just now I was upset because my freaking “winter skat” said he is going home emakhaya leaving me here to be alone this weekend. Partly, i think it is my lie that drove him away, lying about how I feel ( I haven’t told him about this though) or it could be that I had shouted at him for dropping(literally) my cellphone this morning while I was still listening to Tupac. Yerr! I have never been so angry I almost hit him.
LOL! Maybe I am not ready to share my space with anyone, especially in the mornings…
I could have written more but I have run out of time.
Felt so bad this morning. Why do we lie? To ourselves, to our friends or family? Or boyfriends/partners or even “side-dishes”? This has always bothered me. What is so wrong with the truth? But I have not had an answer to this but I know that I have been called names for being honest. I mean not honest behind people’s backs but to their faces. That is what most of us are guilty of but that is a topic for another day.
As much as honesty is not what I always want to hear and know, it is preferable to all the lies and backstabbing. I lied this morning to my “winter boyfriend”, mind you, I did not utter any words. I offered myself emotionally. Now I feel crappy for I know I am fooling myself with this “Ben 10”. Come Summer, he will no longer feature in my life and gaawd knows that I wont feel any tinge of remorse. I will move on like he never existed and never look back.
Somewhere at the back of my mind though, I think I have an idea of why we lie. Of course, it is a cliche because it is true. That we lie to protect that person being lied to and the person telling the lie. Usually this leaves a heartbreak and hate. I think I should be honest tonight and tell him that he should find someone who will love him forever…
Nah, I’ll wait ’til winter is long long gone 😉
One of my close friends (Lindiwe) will probably be ecstatic that I have finally decided to start this blog. To be honest, I have been lazy and not having confidence in myself. This could be because it has been a long time since I wrote anything or it could be that writing for me reaches down my soul, places I don’t want to visit, where I am also scared to reach. Most times, I am trying to forget so much but by trying to evade this, more feelings erupt. Always leaving me feeling scared.
Being always told that you are strong does not give you time to be weak. You grow up thinking that shedding just on tear will make you a weakling. You just crumble inside. I have tried this habit of writing, putting how I feel on paper. Maybe this does work but the downside of this is that I throw anything and everything that I have written as there are always emotions involved.
Yes, I do not like to bare my feelings for all to see, but ey sometimes you just want to tell someone and I think my time has come to bare it all for the world to see ;-). Maybe, I should keep it at a minimum. Hah! I dont know… time will tell.
I’ve got to admit though that this feels good.